Yes, I know how old I am. Unlike many women my age, I am very happy about it. Let’s look on the bright side: I live in one of the most beautiful states in the country, I have an amazing husband, we just bought our first mansion townhome, we have an adorable fat cat, and I have eaten at least ten life-changing cheeseburgers across the country.

But alas, that’s not enough for some greedy people. They’ve got to have it all; they want the cheeseburgers AND a baby. Geez, they can never settle can they?

While we’re still over here on cloud nine with our tiny cat, most of my friends have abandoned our train and instead hopped on the other one. You know the one, it doesn’t have a sleeper station. It’s going 90mph and it doesn’t stop. Even for a nap. Once a year.

So for those lucky ones, I send a card. Because that’s much more appropriate than a cheeseburger. I mean, it wouldn’t be good by the time it got there anyway. So I’ll eat it instead. It’s the thought that counts anyway. Now you know why I moved away from all my friends.

All kidding aside, I love my friends and their adorable offspring. I even love babysitting. Sometimes. After age four. And especially after bedtime.

If you’d like to send a card like this, it’s simple. Cut a designed piece of paper into the size you want (mine was 4×5.5in), attach to front of card. Cut out the same sized white piece of cardstock, trace a silhouette of an expecting mother (just Google one). Cut out, and use glue dots to attach the white to the card. Print this Congratulations for the front, and this poem for the inside. And voila!

And then eat the cheeseburger for yourself.